The fear to live, the fear to leave

I promise.

I promise.

‘I promise.’

It was dark and silent.
I could barely hear maa’s sniffles,
over my heart knocking
on the walls of the cage
that was built of
rotten flesh and stitched skin-
I could barely see baba’s eyes,
turning red and teary,
as he looked away from me,
staring into the void,
running out of words
to save me from the drowning-

but I felt a warmth like
million candles on a snowy night,
melting away to save my failing flight-
each of the hands that I held while growing,
were now holding each of my feet,
begging, pulling, asking me to stay.

I wondered if the wounds on my heart
quenched its thirst with my own blood,
or if the stones on my feet pulled me closer
to my own glorious death.

I promised I would stay,
stay and let the warmth on my feet,
make hay while my suns,
outburnt themselves to let me sway.

I promise today, while I am drowning,
a g a i n,
this time
I am the candle,
I am the fire,
I am burning out myself,
craving for light.

I had learnt when I walked on my knees,
that cries are the loudest calls.
I promise, I would never forget the call of help.

I am d r o w n i n g tonight,
and the light inside my burns so bright,
I can feel my flesh melting away,
and my heart slowly losing its beat,
one at each break-
so I promise,
I would call out to the world,
to twenty people, in
twenty times ten ways,
before I plan for twenty days,
how I could slit my wrist,
or throw me from a twenty floored building,
poison the rotting body,
suffocate the wars in my head-
I would wait for twenty hours,
calling out for help,
for another of million candles
on a night of snowfall,
for another time of warmth
of my cold tired feet,
I promise I would watch another sunrise,
before my body refuses to rise anymore,
I lose twenty breaths,
after every twenty beats
of my choking heart,
but
I promise I would not give up,
on the body that bloomed in this world,
for twenty years,
in lesser than twenty days,
and one more-
and today is called day one,
I would wait for twenty more,
I promise.



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